Kingsway Fatherhood Panel
Title: Home Improvement – Developing Fatherhood(Click Here to Watch Full Discussion)
Scripture Reading: Jeremiah 31:28-29
From the scripture we just read Jeremiah is prophesying, he is at the end of his lifespan of being a prophet. Throughout the book of Jeremiah, God speaks, reproves, corrects and He passes judgment on His people. Towards the ending of the book of Jeremiah, we see the restoration that God brings as the people repent. The children of God in this portion of scripture are being restored. What is significant is that God says that there will come a time where they will no longer say that the fathers have eaten sour grapes, sour experiences, sour lifestyles that have affected the coming generation. The Bible said that the fathers had eaten sour grapes and that the children’s’ teeth were now on edge. Now, if it was like that in Jeremiah’s time, what is it like today? We see so many sour issues and life-threatening issues in our world and in our society and a lot of it is due to parenting and especially fathering. We’ve all had discussions about the importance of fathers. And so today for this sermon, let’s focus on Home Improvement.
Q: When we think of fatherhood, what constitutes a good father?
Pastor Dennis: An individual who can provide a safe environment for his children – it can mean financially, relationally, being there for them, a man who can provide a healthy environment for his children.
Pastor Brown: Fatherhood is about investment, you have to put something in to get something out. What we need to understand about fathering – being a father for 28 years – what I learned is that fatherhood is about investment. There are two things that you are or need to be as a father, fatherhood is about manufacturing and managing. A father is a manufacturer of wealth – what he’s been allowed to bring forth is valuable, wealthy. Wealth is substantial, it outlasts and goes beyond monetary gain. Investment making is managing the wealth in the household.
Brandon O’Mara: Fatherhood is about listening to your children. Sometimes you learn from them as well – how to parent them. You must be there as a listener and learn from them as well.
Shawn Morris: Fatherhood is about being a good guide. A father will direct you in the way you should go and he will explain why. My children right now ask why and I have to explain why and give them a good reason.
Q: Mapping out fatherhood, how can we enhance who we are as fathers?
Shawn Morris: My parents have been married for 49 years. My dad has guided me all through my life, showing good examples of what he has done wrong and what he has done right. I change the things with my children that he hasn’t done right. Both parents came from Jamaica. I was heavy on sports, they were busy working, dad never came to my sports, dad came to one tournament in grade 11 and that’s it. That hurt a lot – it wasn’t his fault because he had to provide, being focused on that so much, I lacked his presence showing me how to be a man and an athlete and a better person. So now I learn from my past father.
Pastor Pierre: My own father came from Jamaica by very modest means. My dad never met his father. His goal was to be the father he never had. When he came to this country, he was the hardest worker I’ve ever seen. He still wakes up at 4:30 in the morning and works all day. How I grew up seeing my father, after my dad missed all of my tournaments and games, I learned that being a father is hard work; it takes a lot of time and energy to provide the life that you want for your children. I learned that I have to be a bit more present with my kids; I need balance, I can’t have my son just see me for a few minutes at night. I learned so many things even just from that example.
Pastor Brown: Being born and raised in the church, both parents, being involved in the church, there were sermons and teachings on fatherhood depicting fatherhood to be about learning, loving and leading. The capacity to love your children – you can’t give what you don’t have. The issue with a lot of us as fathers is that we don’t love ourselves. We have a lot of issues as men; if you don’t love yourself, even your scars, you won’t have it to give. Some men don’t like to be transparent. What I learned really quickly as a father, even though I had a great father, was that there was a lot I didn’t know or was prepared for and I had to admit I didn’t know and that’s where learning begins. I had to learn that it was okay to not know. A lot of fathers feel pressured because they are told they are the heads, the leaders, problem-solvers, but what if you don’t know certain things or have certain skills? If you are going to learn, you have to admit you don’t know. Leading is about journeying, if you are leading a bunch of people, it means you’re going somewhere. That’s why this is Home Improvement, we aren’t there yet. Take the stress and the pressure off sometimes it takes time, it’s a journey to where you are going.
Juavon Herbert: I didn’t grow up in a household with my dad. It was always my mom and myself, I had to get intrinsic as to how I’d want my kids to be, when I’d have them at a certain age. I had to take the lack or the missing elements and not make it a negative aspect of my life. I had to consider how I could do this better and what I would have liked. My mom was communicative. You know when you make that Father’s Day card all your life, it’d be nice to have someone to give it to. Now I am holding all of my daughter’s artwork in a tub so that she can know. I am reflecting the value of the time to my kids more than anything else.
Brandon O’Mara: We need to belong to a community of other fathers, protegés and listen to our children as to how to parent them. We need to take tips from outside, have a prayer life, look within the Bible and see other examples of fathers.
Q: How do we map out Home Improvement?
Pastor Pierre: Your son can teach you how to father him. The reason why we use a map is because we go to unfamiliar territory. In the book of Joshua, God is leading the children of Israel to the promised land and although they knew where they were going ultimately and God told them how to get there, He told them in stages. When they got to the brink of the promise, He told them to follow the ark because they’ve never gone this way before. Being a father changed everything about me. It changed me more than marriage changed me. I have never seen and experienced these things. This is my first time. Concerning following a map, I’m a millennial. I use waze or google maps – give us one step at a time. We follow one step until we get to the next.
Pastor Dennis: Because you are going places that’s not familiar to you, sometimes you require advice and training but you can’t disregard the uniqueness of fatherhood. I am a father due to the relationship I have with my son. There is no other Darrell on the planet. There are unique situations with Darell that no one else can help me with. I’m on a journey but I am not on it by myself because of my relationship with my son. He is the best person to help me understand him. I understand the busyness of being a provider, but I cannot disregard the time. Bettering myself as a father cannot be accomplished unless I improve my relationship with my son. The first step in the map is to get my mind to the right perspective saying that time is important. Speaking about legacy, this also entails passing on wisdom, discipline and mindsets that will help them succeed. Getting to that mental space, I need to know him and not just bring him into the world. Parenting happens in stages – at the diaper stage you may be good but when they exercise their own will you may not be prepared to hear a no or why. I remember the first time Darell asked why he had to go to church – I looked at it from the perspective of a rational perspective as to why he’d been doing something so long.
Pastor Brown: Mapping is about next movements. It is not about the destination. It’s about managing decisions – not the whole thing. For fathers who didn’t have their father in their life would you say you have to have a vision for the kind of father you want to be? Through your prayer life, decisions and more? You fathers are blazing a trail. The map comes before the journey – you have to plan out this map before you embark on the journey. A lot of us struggle with this because we don’t plan to be fathers. I got married at like 21 or 22 and I was red-blooded and free, I had sanctified sex but I wasn’t thinking about becoming a father I was just thinking about having all the sex I could and bam she got pregnant. The journey came before the map. I had to hit the ground running – there were a lot of issues, a lot of arguments between me and Paula. She had way better parenting skills than I had. My role for my first born was to feed her and to dress her and that’s all I really knew about fathering at the time. So not just from a theological point of view, but within marriage, we have to prepare ourselves to be fathers. We have to have a vision of the kind of father we want to be before we embark on being a father.
Juavon Herbert: Not seeing a map from anywhere before, my wife and I conscientiously planned my son and daughter and I think that a lot of the pressures some faced I didn’t have because it was a conscientious relationship decision. Fatherhood involves a lot of listening, especially with my daughter who has her own personality. She’s 2 and has a strong personality like her mother. What does she need? How do I explain things to her? I take it all one step at a time – turn left here, turn to the next step and we’ll figure it out.
Brandon O’Mara: I think of a vehicle, putting air in a tire, working on yourself to become a good person first and foremost dealing with any flaws, addictions and habits and learning to love yourself so you may love other people,
Q: Talk to me about being healed from where you were, past experiences, letting go of the past so that you could embrace your future:
Shawn Morris: I’m a single father and divorced. I had three maps from my father, ex-wife and from being a single father – all these maps have changed along the way. This map now has fatherhood and motherhood in it. I didn’t think about it until this past Mother’s day that I play both roles when my kids are with me. I have to be the provider and the nurturer. I have to kiss their booboos and reinforce when they do things wrong. I do it all and it is a struggle.
Pastor Pierre: Why do we as men even think that things like coddling and being nurturing are not fathering traits? Why do we equate that to the other parent – God is the disciplinarian and the Father, the Comforter. This opinion could derive from a warped sense of masculinity from the society we’ve been reared in and that can cause some of us to feel insufficient and like we are not fulfilling our job. Shawn is doing a great job parenting.
Brandon O’Mara: I had to heal from church hurt, trauma from childhood. I was raised by a militant pastor and all he knew was physical discipline. He was raised by his older siblings and his mother only knew physical discipline and yelling. I had to heal from that trauma and not parent like that.
Pastor Brown: Brandon had to learn to forgive himself and forgive others. The word for forgiveness in the Bible means to throw away. If you don’t let go of your past and let go of what people have done to you, you bring that into your family. Fatherhood requires you to pace yourself. When you are thinking of mapping out Home Improvement for fatherhood, the M is for motivation. If we don’t enhance our fatherhood, then we are securing failure and not success. A is for aim – to hit the target and be skillful, there are tools that are necessary to tap into. One of the best tools is mentorship – we need more conversations among men. Contrary to what some people may think, men do like to talk and they need to talk more and understand that it is ok to talk about experiences as fathers.The P is for process – understanding that you have to pace yourself – it’s about the journey. Understand that you are becoming day by day through challenges, successes and failures.
Juavon Herbert: Some journeys begin for people before they decide to be parents and life changes, but it’s an en route kind of adventure such as being on the 401. You think you know where you are going, but you may have to get off and get something to eat and figure out where you are and get back on and turn around. It’s like a safety net – if things change, men have to learn a level of forgiveness. If things change, it doesn’t have to be wrong.
Juavon Herbert: My wife and I made the decision to become parents conscientiously. I didn’t have a great relationship with my dad, and though he wasn’t a monster by any means, I kind of was glad that he wasn’t in my life because certain things didn’t add on to my life and I had such a community that raised me with my mom’s family and uncles. I’m really grateful that things have been a little storybook, what my wife and I said would happen is happening thanks to God and the measure of love I have for my daughter is amazing. She looks at me with such love and when my son looks at me he’s like “dude, i’m you.” He will be 2 months old tomorrow.
Shawn Morris: When I had my first child at 18, I gave him up for adoption and I wasn’t involved in his life until recently. I found him – 3 years ago. Now he’s part of our life and everything is absolutely amazing. I had my second son at 42 and by that time I had done all the traveling, meeting people, all the partying – everything I wanted to do. I had a good career and was focused on being a good father.
Q: Biggest lesson learned so far as a father?
Pastor Pierre: There is no manual. There’s a scripture in the book of Psalms that says the One who keeps Israel neither slumbers nor sleeps. Over the last 11 months that’s been the reality in my home – the biggest surprise as a new father is not sleeping.
Brandon O’Mara: No book – on the fly.
Q: What do you enjoy most about being a father/ what is the greatest challenge about being a father?
Pastor Pierre: Out of the list of challenges, just to make sure that I am being the best man, father and husband that my son, although he is so young, can see. Just make sure that I am being a consistent example of who he needs to grow up to be. He’s observing these things and beginning to now see what is acceptable in the home.
Pastor Dennis: Time spent with the boys being a father stretched me. I had to learn how to play video games. Darrell now is taller than me. We went to play basketball and I saw him cutting a line on me and then all of a sudden he’s taking off. He dunked on me. I was shocked. All I saw was his belly button in my face. Shocked. This little kid who I feed everyday had the audacity in a public setting to dunk on his father. The time spent makes everything worth it. He was once a part of me. I have four boys. My house is never boring.
Q: How would you encourage single fathers out there?
Shawn Morris: You’re not a father, you are a parent. Just be a present parent. The more I embrace that the more I realize I have both roles and this helps me see what my son and daughter need as well as my older son. It’s about being there all the time. Last night, they were with me. I told them “okay guys, we have to go to sleep”. I was tired and the house was a mess. I was the father of the house. I kissed them goodnight and my son went. “Are you leaving already?” I cleaned the kitchen and then I was like “what am I doing?” And so I went back into their room and they were like, “Oh dad, are you back? Tell us a bedtime story!” And I started being silly or whatever and was just present in the moment and I know that it will span their life – just being a present parent.
Characteristics of a biblical father
- Be your child’s first teacher
Solomon said in Proverbs 22:6 that parents ought to train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
- Lead by example
Model the behaviour you want to see. According to Deuteronomy 12:28: Observe and hear all these words which I command thee, that it may go well with thee, and with thy children after thee for ever, when thou doest that which is good and right in the sight of the Lord thy God. (Deuteronomy 12:28)
God tells them as they come out of Egypt and they are journeying that they ought to do everything He is telling them
- Provide
We are worse than an infidel, we can’t claim to have a relationship with God if we don’t provide for our family.
But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. (1 Timothy 5:8)
A good man leaves an inheritance for his children’s children (Proverbs 13:22)
Think of wealth, think of leaving a legacy for your children’s children
- Discipline
He who spares the rod hates his son (Proverbs 13:24)
If you don’t discipline your children, it’s good as you hating them
It is enforced obedience – it is not a slipper, slap, dutchie pot – it is enforcing obedience, it is holding children accountable to good behaviour and good practices
- Fear God
Proverbs 14:26 reads:in the fear of the Lord there is strong confidence, and his children will have a place of refuge.
Your children will come to know God, they are more likely to come to salvation when you’ve come to salvation
If the father is saved, there is a higher chance that the children will become saved
- Be Compassionate
Psalm 103:13 – As a father pities his children, so the Lord pities those who fear Him.
- Protect
Nehemiah 4:14 reads: and I looked, and arose and said to the nobles, to the leaders, and to the rest of the people, “Do not be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, great and awesome, and fight for your brethren, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your houses.”
Every father has to fight
Pastor Brown doesn’t know of any father that doesn’t have to fight for their children
- Do not provoke your children
Colossians 3:21Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
- Be optimistic
Have faith for their future
There are times when we feel as parents that we’ve failed because our children make mistakes – sometimes they don’t go the way we’ve expected them to go
Luke 15:24: For this my son was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ And they began to be merry.
This father says “my son was dead but alive again – he was lost then found”
The prodigal son had everything he needed and was protected by his father but he made a decision to live wild. When the son comes to himself saying he’d arise and go back to the father, the father is standing at the door and sees him afar off. He was expecting his son to come home. Are you expecting your kids to do better, to recover themselves, come to themselves? Don’t curse your children – be optimistic, even if right now you have kids in jail, living with legal issues
- Pray
“Give my son Solomon a loyal heart to keep your commands and do all these things and to build the temple for which I have made provision”. (1 Chronicles 29:19) David realizes he is not long for this earth, he knows that his son is going to take over for him – the next generation is about to assume the role. You have to pray for your children, I pray that this has touched the lives of our fathers,
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